Some day life will be.........

Growing up children are usually taught they can be and do anything they want. When I was little, I wanted it all. I wanted to be the princess, the librarian, the roller derby queen. I wanted to be the girl who was popular, had all the cool friends, who was pretty.

Life doesn't always go the way you want. Things don't just turn out the way you dream. Life sometimes really sucks. There isn't always that happy ending you see in the movies. People are always saying your life is what you make it. Sometimes I believe this, sometimes I feel like it is out of my control.

In school I was the one who got picked on. I was that gangly girl who didn't have a lot of friends. The one the other girls would whisper about. The harder I tried, the worse it got. Finally I just gave up. I had a few friends throughout school, but I was never real sure of them. I preferred to stay in my room and read. High school was even worse. The whispering seemed to stop, but the classmates just seemed to look through me. I kind of melded with the walls. Teachers didn't see me, I did just what was needed to get through. Speech class was the worse. I didn't like to have people looking at me. Some how I managed to get out of high school, even with dropping that required class.

During my junior year the roller rink opened in town. Something as silly as skating gave my life a little direction. I loved this. I loved the fact that I was good at something. Skating let me be by myself, yet be around people. It got me out of the house. It gave me a reason to leave my room.

Almost twenty-five years have passed, a lot has happened. There have been bright spots and dark holes. Most of the time those dark holes have lights shining out. They just seem so deep that it takes a long time for the light to hit the top. The holes were always dug by me, deeper and deeper. Someone else would be shining the light. I managed to sabotage most of the lost lightkeepers. Looking back on it all lately I can see that. I didn't feel I deserved to have what they offered. How does this happen to a person. One would think there has to be a catastrophic event that pushes them to this feel this way. What event in my life made me think this way?

I am a smart woman. My head tells me I am heading in the right direction. The choices I make are the right ones. But my heart and emotions always seem to send me catapulting in the opposite direction. Did becoming a mother do this to me? No, I don't think so. I can't remember ever not feeling this way.

Overcoming this is what I am going to do. My life is going to become my own. Well, mine and Michael's. He is my shining lightkeeper. Him and that sassy daughter. Who, knows maybe I will still be that roller derby queen that I always dreamed I could be.

Some day life will be............

Books, Reading, Escaping

Reading for me has always been an escape. I don't remember if I was an early reader, but I do remember going to the library and checking out books as early as 3rd grade. Through out elementary school I read all the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books. They were these wonderful mysteries that I would put myself into. There were many times I imagined myself being Nancy and solving all these crimes. I read every single book in both series that they carried at our local library. I would check out 2 -3 books every couple of weeks.

We didn't live close to the library. At the end of 4th grade we moved across town. Finally, I was able to ride my bike to this wonderful place. I would spend hours and bring home book after book. As I got older reading just stayed with me. Throughout junior high my interests changed and I can't remember when I stopped reading the "childish" books. I do remember in a few classes in junior, hiding whatever book I was reading inside my school book so I could read during class. Everday I couldn't wait to get to study hall to finish the book.

In high school and after graduation I found myself reading those cheesy "romance" books. The ones with the long haired, big boobed women with a pirate, indian, soldier, etc on the covers. The were mindless reads. They all had the same premise. I then imagined myself as being that damsel in distress and being rescued.

That phase lasted years, probably until I went back to college. Some where along the way I grew up and so did my reading tastes. I started reading true crime, mysteries, comedy, and even a little science fiction mystery. I have a library of my own now. It is stocked with hundreds of books. A lot of people will not reread a book. I love rereading. Many of the books in our library are from the used book stores. Ok, now I am babbling.

Reading has helped me become a better writer, speller, and punctuationist. I always thought I could be a proofreader for publishing company. Did you know you have to have a degree to be a proofreader?

This installment seems to be choppy. But being the self-proclaimed writer and reader, I can recognize this. Have a great night and read lots. Some time I will tell you about my favorite authors.

Toilet Paper

How can something so innocuous cause such trauma? Yes, I said toilet paper and trauma. Most brands are soft. Most are absorbant. Some of the cheaper brands leave a little to be desired, but for the most part do what they are supposed to.

So where does the trauma come in? I received the phone call earlier this evening. According to my beautiful, almost finished with college daughter, shopping for toilet paper is a traumatic experience! There are way to many to choose from. She can't just use some cheap brand. She has a tender butt. Plus, it is expensive. She just doesn't know which one to pick. If it was up to her boyfriend, she says he would only buy 1/2 ply. Is there such a thing?! I guess if the toilet paper has to double as tissues, then the softer the better.

Samantha seems to think that being a hard working college student means her parents should still buy her toilet paper. I don't think it is because she can't afford it, I think it is just to take the pressure off of her. This coming from the girl who has panic attacks in the soup aisle at WalMart. But, then she did put her soup order in earlier this month.

The Weather

Yes, a pretty generic topic today. You know it is Wisconsin when it can't decide what kind of weather day it is going to be. Cold, rainy, grey, windy, sunshine, and warmth. It is only 12:30 and we have hit all of those already.

My life isn't interesting enough to have exciting topics. You have to take what you can get. That is it for today. I am bored!!

Who will it be?

Today is an important day for Americans. As a whole, we will decided who will lead our country. Ok, maybe not "we". I am not a popular person for my thoughts on this process. I DID NOT VOTE!

You didn't vote?! No, I didn't vote. It has been proven before that the popular vote does not always get the presidency. I am sure anyone from the Electoral College can update me on the reason behind it, but I don't want to hear it. A lady I work has, multiple times, explained to everyone why we use this process. We were taught about it in school. It still doesn't seem right.

I don't care that if we didn't use the "college", that CA would have billions of votes and VT only millions. That is the way it should be. A vote should count for a vote. I chose not to vote, therefore I will have no right to complain about who is our next president.

The president is a figure head. What true power does he have? He has a group of people constantly surrounding him telling him what to say, where to go, what to do. When I said this to someone, their response was "well, he gets to pick his cabinet". What he is allowed to do is nominate people, who then go through a process where they are picked apart by others, then denied. Those "others" then come up with some one they approve.

If I chose to vote, I would have "Barack'd the vote". In honor of you Ma'ams!