Some day life will be.........

Growing up children are usually taught they can be and do anything they want. When I was little, I wanted it all. I wanted to be the princess, the librarian, the roller derby queen. I wanted to be the girl who was popular, had all the cool friends, who was pretty.

Life doesn't always go the way you want. Things don't just turn out the way you dream. Life sometimes really sucks. There isn't always that happy ending you see in the movies. People are always saying your life is what you make it. Sometimes I believe this, sometimes I feel like it is out of my control.

In school I was the one who got picked on. I was that gangly girl who didn't have a lot of friends. The one the other girls would whisper about. The harder I tried, the worse it got. Finally I just gave up. I had a few friends throughout school, but I was never real sure of them. I preferred to stay in my room and read. High school was even worse. The whispering seemed to stop, but the classmates just seemed to look through me. I kind of melded with the walls. Teachers didn't see me, I did just what was needed to get through. Speech class was the worse. I didn't like to have people looking at me. Some how I managed to get out of high school, even with dropping that required class.

During my junior year the roller rink opened in town. Something as silly as skating gave my life a little direction. I loved this. I loved the fact that I was good at something. Skating let me be by myself, yet be around people. It got me out of the house. It gave me a reason to leave my room.

Almost twenty-five years have passed, a lot has happened. There have been bright spots and dark holes. Most of the time those dark holes have lights shining out. They just seem so deep that it takes a long time for the light to hit the top. The holes were always dug by me, deeper and deeper. Someone else would be shining the light. I managed to sabotage most of the lost lightkeepers. Looking back on it all lately I can see that. I didn't feel I deserved to have what they offered. How does this happen to a person. One would think there has to be a catastrophic event that pushes them to this feel this way. What event in my life made me think this way?

I am a smart woman. My head tells me I am heading in the right direction. The choices I make are the right ones. But my heart and emotions always seem to send me catapulting in the opposite direction. Did becoming a mother do this to me? No, I don't think so. I can't remember ever not feeling this way.

Overcoming this is what I am going to do. My life is going to become my own. Well, mine and Michael's. He is my shining lightkeeper. Him and that sassy daughter. Who, knows maybe I will still be that roller derby queen that I always dreamed I could be.

Some day life will be............