Saturday, April 10, 2010

Before the voices there was music

When I was younger, I listened to music all the time. Throughout the years my taste have changed. I have liked rock, country, pop, new age, oldies, etc. I would listen to one genre for a few years, then move on.

Throughout it all my favorite has always been 70s music. Things were simpler back then. I can remember riding down the road in the green Pontiac, all 6 of us kids in the back seat. Paul and Marcus usually on the floor. We would all be singing, pretending we had microphones. It is one of those memories that just exists in my mind with all the other jumbles of things.

It is funny how an old song can come on the radio and you just know what you were doing, where you were in your life, when that song was popular. To me, songs are like a diary. You don't have to put your own words down, they just say it for you.

Lately, it seems like I can't concentrate on the music. The words are all mumbled. Youtube has been wonderful for me to find out what they are really singing. Some of the songs still have a profound message, some are just plain crap. The crap ones are the ones that I am happy to have the wrong words in my head. The extra people in there can carry a better tune than I can anymore.

Maybe I have suffered a some sort of breakdown, maybe a stroke? Maybe, just too much going on. I can't remember things like I used to. Sometimes is it scary, sometimes it is just what I have become. I used to be able to write my thoughts down so that they resembled something readable. This post, like my thoughts, started as one thing then transformed into something completely off.

Reading back over what I have put here, just goes to show my mind isn't completely together. It used to be, before those people moved into my head. There used to be music in there......

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Facebook & Colonoscopies

Facebook is one of the newest social networking addiction. Since I haven't written anything in a month I decided to post a request for ideas for my latest installment. Tom, a guy I went to school with, came up with this wonderful topic. Considering I said I was blog blocked, why not colonoscopies.

Where to start. Maybe I should start at the bottom. Okay, I know, bad pun. Colonoscopy, the word alone sends shudders up many peoples spines. Which, if you have forgotten your anatomy, ends near your behind. Just the thought of a camera entering a very private area and snaking its way up is enough to cause palpitations in the strongest man.

The preparations for your big day are almost as much fun as the picture taking itself. I am told you have to drink a gallon of some really nasty, chalky stuff. Almost like the barium you used to have to drink before x-rays. This stuff is supposed to clean you out. Well, you might as well plant yourself on the toilet. Maybe set up a tv tray, laptop, books, anything else that would help you pass the time. You will be there a while. Don't even think about going more than 10 feet from the bathroom. Perhaps you have one of those nice hemorrhoid donuts to sit on.

A colonoscopy really is a useful diagnostic tool. They can see a lot. But, then they do have a camera shoved up your bum. I bet if you open your mouth the light will shine out. Since I have never had one, I don't know if it is painful. I think a lot of the problems is the anticipation of what is to come. The benefits outweigh the dangers I am told. As my brother-in-law once said, "That is an exit, not an entrance."

Colonoscopies aren't just for men anymore. Since women are now being instructed to have them for routine testing, maybe men should start having mammograms. Fairs, fair!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Is it just us.....

We have done our fair share of stimulating the economy lately. TV, console, swing set, vehicle. That is a lot of stimulation. Now, here comes the kickers.

It seems like forever that we would buy things by the price, not quality. After all, most things are now termed "disposable", Things like lawn mowers, vacuums, and even refrigerators, washers, and dryers. So it was not surprising that there would be missing pieces, instructions incorrect, and just overall poor quality. They say you get what you pay for.

We have finally decided that we would try to buy quality to make it last longer. Makes sense to the smart man. After years of having to fix or deal with missing parts, broken pieces, poor instructions we have traded up on things.

So, lets start with our first big purchase, a new TV and console to sit it on. We paid $1200 for the two. When dear hubby got it home, the console was cracked on the bottom. The dang thing weighs about 150 lbs. He didn't want to take it back, besides he says it is on the bottom in the back you can't see it. He calls the company and they send us $50.

After about a week, the TV starts to turn green. Yes, green lava all over the picture. Wonderful!! So he calls this company, they talk him through some setup things. Seems to work, painless, lasts about 3 hours. Then back to green. Calls them the next day, they say return it. Sam's Club was very nice, didn't question it and exchanged. That was our fastest trip in that store ever.

On to the swing set. The box said it takes 2 people, 4 - 6 hours. It is pre-drilled, all parts included. Well, they are nuts! I wonder who they timed in the setup of the swing set. It took 6 people (at assorted times) over 12 hours and it still isn't all together. The instructions were crap. It would give you the list of what was needed for a page. 10 - 2 x 29 1/2 boards. The proceed to tell you to take the 13 - 2 x 31 1/2 boards and nail them in. There were not 13 of any board, much less boards of that size. They would flip pictures around and it was terrible. Some of the boards weren't pre-drilled either.

But Papa, G-Pa, Uncle Zack, Uncle Jake, Uncle Andy, and Aunt Shell finally got it together enough that at least Gavin can swing and slide. Thank Auntie & Uncles for helping.

The new vehicle, knock on wood, hasn't been a problem yet. But, then we have only had it for 3 days.

Is it just us? Are we the only ones that it happens to? No matter what we get, there is something wrong. At least I am not my sister, who had all the restaurant problems!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Nagging

Why do people nag? I think it is an art form. Some are nagged more than others. Some nag more than others. Today I think I am nagged more than normal.

Sons are nagging me, one to use the van, the other to make dinner. Daughters are naggin me, one to take her somewhere, the other to get answers that I don't know. My husband knows better than to nag me today.

Sister is nagging me to post something on my blog. Or maybe it was a threat? She did say she would have to drop me from her "list". LOL Does this suffice? Is this enough to keep me on the "list"?

You can't ask for quality blogging, when it is forced. It is kind of like high school and college papers. I had to dwell on them for weeks, to kick out a 10 page, A paper in one night. I write better under pressure, if I have time to stew on the subject.

So, please dearest sister, please keep me on your reading list, as you never know what I can come up with!

Friday, February 27, 2009

The fall of hometown video stores.

Our hometown video store, not connected to any video store chain, has closed. I feel like we had a hand in the store closing.

Brian and his family have entertained our area since I was young. First, they owned the small movie theatre. It was downtown and had all the things you remember from "the old days". You know the ones, broken seats, sticky floors, the wonderful balcony. It always smelled of stale popcorn. This theatre hung around for years. They even started renting out movies in the mid 80s. People were more mobile and were going to La Crosse to the multi-plexes. The ones that had 4 movies at once. Woohoo. They closed the theatre and opened a video rental store. This was in the late 80s I think.

They also owned the drive-in. I miss this the most. We could grab some food, take the kids and go see a double feature. When we were in high school, we stuck people in the trunk to get in. It was a great place. Just like the drive-ins you would see in the movies. Towards the end of the drive-in phase they stopped repairing the silver voiceboxes and you just tuned in on a radio station. They closed this in the mid 90s.

The family moved their video stores to various buildings around town. They also had a few stores in neighboring cities. We followed Brian and were faithful customers, that is until Netflix. We would spend around $30 every weekend on videos. You probably think how would losing you as a customer affect a business. Well, multiply that by many, many family over the years switching. If you could spend $18 a month, for unlimited, no late fees, no having to go to the store to get them, you would change too.

Brian couldn't compete with Netflix or the other online rentals. Convenience and saving money always win. Netflix is wonderful. We make our lists, they send them to us, we send them back. We average 15 movies a month. That makes it around $1.20 each. That is a huge savings. Plus, they have 100s of 1000s of movies. Many, many obscure movies.

We went to the sale that Brian was having before he closed. He is always very nice, happy to help. Always has a smile on his face. I think he truly loved dealing with people. I asked him what he would do now. He said he wasn't sure, he had never worked for anyone else before. Brian is around 40 and now starting his life over.

Good luck Brian, our family wishes you luck! You will be missed, even if we didn't see you often anymore.

Monday, February 23, 2009

In my head I am 18

Oh my, what was I thinking? I am almost 45 years old. Putting 4 slick wheels under each foot might not have been a wise thing.

Saturday night we attended my 10 yr old, great-niece's birthday part at a roller rink. I grabbed a pair of skates, laced them up. Which means I put them on and held them up for Michael to lace up. LOL I wear slipon shoes or clogs for pete's sake. What was I thinking??

After a few rolls up and down the carpet, Annie (niece, mother of b'day girl) and I decided to hit the skate floor. Dang that floor is slippery. Whew, made it one lap. I needed to rest. Okay, out for 2 laps. Then made it 3 laps. Need to rest. For some reason I couldn't pick up my left foot. I was just pushing with my right. What was I thinking???

In my head I was still that 18 yr old, skinny girl that could skate with passion and elegance, speed and fearlessness. I used to be able to move with the music that was playing. I wanted to be able to spin, skate backwards, dance like I did years and years ago. What was I thinking????

I have a few theories for my poor skating ability. Never wear rental skates. They really suck. The wheels are so worn out they are as slick as the floor. Since I now had to wear a size bigger, the front wheels were set back farther on my feet it seemed. Also, I swear my left leg is longer and that is the reason I couldn't pick it up. LOL Okay, maybe not. But, it sounded good.

How will I ever be roller derby queen I always dreamed of if I can't skate any more? I am looking at buying my own skates. I do want to go more. I will practice my butt off. I do love roller skating.

In my head I am that 18 year old, roller derby queen. My dreams will keep me young!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

birds, birds, birds, then a few more birds

So, I was able to get off work early today. Yeah me!! When I arrived home I looked in the backyard. I am not exaggerating, which I have known to do when it comes to birding, but there were over 100 finches in my yard. They were everywhere. It looked like the trees and ground were alive. It was very loud out there.

I bundled myself up and took a pillow to sit on and a blanket. Hey the bench was cold! I sat there for a good 10 mins before a few decided it was safe to come back. Then holy moley did they come. I sat and rythmically tapped the button on my camera. Took over 200 pics and drained the battery. Here are a few of the "action" shots.


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Friday, January 30, 2009

blogging lesson learned

So, after my post last night I learned a little blogging lesson. I had saved a draft earlier in the week that I decided I didn't like and no longer wanted to use. Instead of just deleting it, I just erased it and rewrote about my crappy day.

Well, when I posted it, it put the original date on it. I did post it Thursday! No, I do not work on Sundays if I can help it. There have been times though, since I am a dedicated employee. Maybe, that is why I received a $2.oo raise this year. LOL

Sunday, January 25, 2009

What a crappy day!

What a crappy day at the work. I can say this because it literally was crappy. The day I get to sleep in and go into work a little later is the day Michael decides to get his butt up and ready to go early. So instead of hitting work at my regular 6:30 am, I arrived at 7:10. So much for going in at 8:00.

Wasn't too bad until everyone started dropping off their animals at once. We had a lobby full by 7:30. I started putting animals away. Then we had a cat fight in one of the cages. Two kittens had been dropped off by their owner to be spay/declawed & neuter/declawed. Well, me thinking that they arrived in the same carrier, they can be put in same cage. Nope, seems that they don't like each other. Noone told me. All of a sudden......holy hell broke loose. So off I run, get them situated in seperate cages. Put a few more dogs away for the groomer. Whew, worked up a sweat in a half hour.

Then in comes AJ, a nice fat dachsund. He needed an x-ray. So off we go to the x-ray room. Take the first x-ray. I pick him up off the table and am holding him under my arm. Sniff Sniff, I smell poop!! I turn around and asked Geri, is there poop on me. Nope, she didn't see anything. I turn back to where I had been standing, ewwww he had pooped. There was a little pile on the floor. Ugh! Geri says he is pooping. She takes him and is holding him upright, I am holding the garbage can under him. We do look like we are squeezing the crap out of him. I went to pick up the pile on the floor and bumped my smock pocket, EWWWWWWWWWWWWW he had pooped IN my pocket. Now mind you this isn't the first time a dog has actually pooped in my pocket or co-workers pockets. It seems if you hold small dogs under your arm there butts kind of sit on the top of your pocket.

The day just kept on like that. It was very busy, people, dogs, cats, kids in and out. Finally it is 4:30, only a 1/2 hour until my 4 day weekend. I can see the end. I just have to bring up one last dog.

Jake, the terrier/beagle mix with the UTI. All day they had been trying to get urine from this dog. Finally they had to stick him with a syringe to get it, he just wouldn't pee on the spoon. (Yes Michelle, that is how we get urine from most dogs, take them outside and once they start, we stick the spoon under them.) Out of the cage comes psycho Jake. He can't sit still. He chews up everything. He had chewed his collar so much that I had to really struggle to get it back on him. In the process, he peed all over the floor. Then proceeded to swish his happy little tail through it, all the while splashing the huge puddle everywhere. In my mouth, in my eyes, in my hair!!!!!! There was so much that it was dripping down my forehead. GRRRRRRRR!!!

At least the girls at work enjoyed my day!! I am just happy I don't have to go back until Tuesday.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Wages vs Jobs

I was not really sure what to title today's rantings. My daughter called last night to tell me what a trying day she had at work. She works in a group home for at-risk teens. She is going to school for family studies, so this is in her framework.

I understand client/worker confidentiality. I also understand the need to vent to your mother. While I will not tell you about her teens, but will tell you sometimes it gets a little scary. There have been threats made against her multiple times. But, she stands her ground. My daughter is a spitfire!!

Here is my problem with it. Her wage is $8.50 an hour. This is nothing!! The job she does is not a little, low end job. I feel she needs to be paid for what she does. This isn't McDonald's. My son is overpaid at $8.00 working in our vet clinic cleaning kennels if you go by the standard that she is getting paid. This is crazy. They are getting qualified college students to run these homes.

Ugh, what is a mother to do?!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Blog remodeling

After wandering around and looking at other blogs, I need a blog remodel. There are a lot of cool things that can be done. Some of them I have seen are works of art in themselves. Maybe I will give my sister free reign over it and let her do it.

Also, thanks Chris for following my blog. I hope it doesn't put you to sleep. It is really a chopped mess. Somedays I have some profound posts (at least they sound good to me), other times, not so much. I don't know how many of them you read. Could you tell me how you came upon it? I enjoyed reading your posts at your sites.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Fruit snacks and potty

It has been 16 yrs since we had a 2 yr old in the house on a regular basis. Gavin will be 2 at the end of this month. It just amazes me at some of the things he says and does.

First, I don't remember my kids being so articulate. Words are just flying out of his mouth. Milk, juice, dogs, Joxer, Izzi, (the dogs), Papa, Gramma, Aunt Ma'ams, Gabby, Zeke, Brennan, Drew, Jake, Jacob, Zack, you get the picture. He is making sentences all the time. "Go to Mc Nonno's in Papa's truck" He has never been to McDonald's in the truck before, but he knows Papa has one and that will get him there.

His newest game is hide-n-seek. His favorite place is the pantry in the kitchen. He will hide in there, poke his head out and yell, hide in the closet Papa. I am not sure who will be coming out of the closet, Gavin or his Papa.

He is giggling, dancing, singing more and more. He loves movie soundtracks. Right now he is stuck on Mamma Mia. Every time we get in the car, he yells Mamma Mia. He also likes, Turning Japanese.

Papa hid a box of fruit snacks in our bedroom closet. We are in the process of trying to potty train him. Gavin not Papa, even though sometimes I think Papa needs a refresher course. That is why he cleans the bathroom, but that is another day and time. When Gavin would go he would get to go take a bag out of the box. Well, he figured out that he could just open the closet door himself now and would come out with a few packages at time. Papa finally got smart and moved them to the top shelf.

One day Gavin came up to me, grabbed my hand, and said potty Gramma. So he is pulling me down hallway, we passed the bathroom. I asked him if he had to go, he said no. He continued pulling me into our bedroom, into our bathroom and said potty Gramma. I said I didn't have to go. He just smiled and said Fruit Snack now please.

He is soooo smart, or maybe I am biased.

Monday, January 5, 2009

La palabra de hoy es pierna….calcular a esta una hermana

pierna, noun:leg
pierna, sustantivo:pierna

Cuando era una chica joven, estaba muy delgadamente. Siendo alto, miraba como no era nada sino piernas. Ahora, siendo más viejo y " bigger" ¿, Me pregunto adonde fueron esas piernas?

If you have problems, I can give you a hint.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

When was the last time......

you were truly happy for something that happened to someone else? I can honestly say that it is today for me.

A woman I work with, who I think I can call my friend, may finally be finding some sense of being. She is just a great person, only she sometimes doesn't see it. She gives continuously and wants nothing in return. She doesn't want to owe anyone for anything. It is hard to find things to do for her. She is very independant. She is also very lonely.

Here is a very brief background. She, who will now be known as Anastasia, to protect the innocent, has worked hard all her life. She is in her mid 30s. Anastasia runs a group home for handicapped adults out of her home. Right now she only has 1 resident. She was married at one time, but to me it seemed 1 sided. Anastasia married a man who had 3 young children. They were together 12+ years. During the final year Anastasia was feeling lonely and trapped. When she decided to file for a divorce, the day her husband was to be served papers, he committed suicide.

There is so much behind story to this, just suffice it to say, she blamed herself for a very long time. It has been 3 years. She is just now paying off the funeral. So there was a constant reminder every month. Anastasia is a smart person, she knew in her head it wasn't her fault, but her heart, like all women's, kept her in that bind.

Now on to the reason for this. 16 years ago Anastasia met a man, to be called Fred from here on in. They had a one night fling. She was 20 and he was 24. She didn't see him again until 2 year ago on New Year's Eve. It was just 6 mos after her husband died. Anastasia wasn't very nice to him, actually said some rather rude things. A few days later, she regretted what she had said. But, seeing as the first time they met so briefly she didn't know his last name. She did know where he worked, and tried to find him there. She wanted to apologize. No luck.

Last year on New Year's Eve, Anastasia went to the same place to see if she would run into Fred again. No such luck. This year, she was very depressed. I knew she didn't have anything to do. I asked a friend if they were going up to Anastasia's town that night to please give her a call and see if she would meet them. They did, she did. After 2 1/2 hrs of drinking they were finally shown to their table. The tables were all crammed together, barely room to move between them.

You all know how this is going to end, but I am going to tell you anyways. Anastasia was sitting kitty corner from a girl that looked familiar to her. She just couldn't figure it out. A little bit later after they had ordered, she looked at the person seated next to her. There he was, Fred. What little bit of seredipidity brought them to the same place again? Fate, kismet??

Being just a little bit drunk, Anastasia didn't know what to do. She said she felt like a school girl with a crush on the football captain. Eating her dinner was out of the question. How was she going to approach him, even sitting next to each other, albeit the next table. Fred was finishing up and you could tell they were getting ready to leave, just waiting on their bill. What should she do, time was running out.

Using that liquid courage she had, she went and told his waitress that she was going to buy his dinner. I should have clarified earlier that girl at his table was his brother's fiance. He was flying solo. She paid for his dinner, left him a note apologizing for the way she treated him a couple years back. He received it and didn't understand. She then turned to him and explained. He invited her to go next door with them. Anastasia declined. She was sooooo nervous. Fred left.

When it was time for her to leave, the owner came over with a note. Yes, it was from Fred. He left his phone number. She called and left a message. Fred did call her back the next day and they talked for an hour.

Their lives are similar. They are both single and lonely. While I haven't told all the background, and just being lonely isn't a good reason to start a relationship, maybe this will be good for them both. If something comes of this I am truly happy for her. If anything, they both just might find themselvese with a good friend. Who couldn't use one of those.

For now, all of us at work are going to giggle like school girls and wait anxiously for each little bit Anastasia will tell us. For now I will live vicariously through her. Anastasia deserves every little bit of happiness she can find!! I wish her the best every day.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Today's word is xanthous

xanthous \ZAN-thuhs\, adjective:yellow; yellowish

Wow, what a word. What could I possibly come up with. Work shall inspire today's blog.

Working in a veterinary clinic, it seems just when you think you have seen everything, something else pops up. Or should I say out. One of the technicians brought in a tiny, tiny kitten she found along the road. It was all beat up. You couldn't tell if it had been hit by a car, attacked by another animal, or just abandoned.

The poor little thing was crying. He, later to be named Taggom, was full of gravel, fleas, and little "xanthous" looking spots. He didn't even weigh 2 pounds. Renee gave 3 gentle baths and cleaned him up the best she could. I was holding him on the counter as she was picking through his tiny paws. I spread his toes apart and she was wiping stuff away. All of a sudden one of those "xanthous" pockets popped open. The poor thing had, prepare yourself, maggots. I almost threw up. I had to leave the little guy on the counter.

Little Taggom recovered well. He went home to live with Renee. The girls in my clinic can't seem to spell, and had named him Taggom, thinking it was maggot backwards. Hmmm TAGGOM should really be called TOGGAM.

Moral of the story, beware of "xanthous" looking pockets on animals. You never know what could pop out.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Blogging 2009

Welcome 2009!

My goal, since I refuse to make resolutions, is to write something at least 3 times a week. LOL I will also try to use one "big" word per installment. Can installment be my word for this post? That would be too easy.

I was looking at Thesaurus.com. They have a daily word. Maybe I should use that one, it would at least give me something to write about.

Today's word is wanderlust.

wanderlust \WON-der-luhst\, noun:a strong desire to wander or travel

I think when I was younger I had a bit of wanderlust. While my friends and I never went far, we would just get in the car and go. Hundreds of miles at a time, but we would never leave the tri-county area. My parents could never figure out how we did that. I, now am in the same boat, Jake and Zack can put hundreds of miles and never go anywhere either.

It is nice to see they too have a bit of "WANDERLUST".

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

the end of 2008

Today Michael and I are officially old. We decided this year that we weren't going to do anything for New Year's Eve. We just don't like the crowds, stinky bars, or drunks.

So we started our afternoon with a stop at a new dog food store. Poor Joxer is allergic to every dang ingredient in 95% of dog food. The store, Elite Kibble, was supposed to be a food/groom/training facility. We walked in and thought we had hit the redneck doggy daycare. The place was filthy. An assortment of dogs running around. While I understand this, these dogs definitely hadn't participated in the training. They were friendly, but had no concept of down, don't jump. We were greeted with stares from the family that owned it.

Then Bubba decided to come "help" us. I am sorry to offend any "rednecks" who some day may read this blog, but if you are the owner of a store called "elite" put some damn pants and clean clothes on. Dang, here he comes in his combat boots, white socks, cut off sweatpants and grubby t-shirt. Holy Crap! He was a big guy. We asked him the price of the bag of food we wanted. Bubba proceeded to tell us every frikkin kind of food they had that the dog could eat. Michael, (the genius) told him we had a list of the foods he couldn't have.

Now, I know Bubba was just trying to be helpful. We both told him multiple times that we just wanted the food we asked about. He wanted to argue with me after I said we don't feed canned food. He kept telling me that it is good food and the makers say to switch dogs regularly. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I was losing my temper. I told him I worked in a vet clinic and knew what I wanted. That didn't stop him. A half hour later we finally got out of there. Needless to say, the food was $10 cheaper there, but I will drive the extra 15 mins not to have to go through that again.

Then he needed to return a shirt to Kohl's. Went in, Michael (the genius) sees the sign pointing to returns. The line was down the side of the store. Forget that. It can be returned another time.

Our big dinner out was OCB. LOL Yes, we hit the early bird/old folks hour. It was 3 pm and only old people. By 4:00 we were on our way home.

I did accomplish something. Spent a bit of my christmas bonus at my favorite place, Amazon.com. Finished up a couple of series that were missing books. Found one for Michael even. So come next week I will have 6 new books to add to my library.

Happy New Year's to everyone!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Tis the season.....is finally over!

Yeah, the holiday is over. Gone for another year. Again, we just couldn't get into it. The tree we have up is just the top of an old artificial tree. It is sitting on a tablet. Yippee.

I truly do feel bad for not having a lot for the kids this year. Alex, 2 skirts and a shirt we found on clearance at Walmart, that we didn't give her for her birthday. Sam a crock pot and case for her GPS. Jake, the typical socks, underwear, & a $20 gas card. Zack a pack of t-shirts and a Zumiez gift card. Gavin just a couple of little things, then he "tooter" from Santa.

It was all over in 10 mins. I had even gone shopping a little bit on xmas eve. I started picking up things just because I felt bad that we didn't have a lot for them. But, honestly none of them need a thing. I restrained myself and put everything back.

I made 9 calzones that night. They were good. Then we actually played a family game. Alex and Jake were not here for family game night.

This blog sucks.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Some day life will be.........

Growing up children are usually taught they can be and do anything they want. When I was little, I wanted it all. I wanted to be the princess, the librarian, the roller derby queen. I wanted to be the girl who was popular, had all the cool friends, who was pretty.

Life doesn't always go the way you want. Things don't just turn out the way you dream. Life sometimes really sucks. There isn't always that happy ending you see in the movies. People are always saying your life is what you make it. Sometimes I believe this, sometimes I feel like it is out of my control.

In school I was the one who got picked on. I was that gangly girl who didn't have a lot of friends. The one the other girls would whisper about. The harder I tried, the worse it got. Finally I just gave up. I had a few friends throughout school, but I was never real sure of them. I preferred to stay in my room and read. High school was even worse. The whispering seemed to stop, but the classmates just seemed to look through me. I kind of melded with the walls. Teachers didn't see me, I did just what was needed to get through. Speech class was the worse. I didn't like to have people looking at me. Some how I managed to get out of high school, even with dropping that required class.

During my junior year the roller rink opened in town. Something as silly as skating gave my life a little direction. I loved this. I loved the fact that I was good at something. Skating let me be by myself, yet be around people. It got me out of the house. It gave me a reason to leave my room.

Almost twenty-five years have passed, a lot has happened. There have been bright spots and dark holes. Most of the time those dark holes have lights shining out. They just seem so deep that it takes a long time for the light to hit the top. The holes were always dug by me, deeper and deeper. Someone else would be shining the light. I managed to sabotage most of the lost lightkeepers. Looking back on it all lately I can see that. I didn't feel I deserved to have what they offered. How does this happen to a person. One would think there has to be a catastrophic event that pushes them to this feel this way. What event in my life made me think this way?

I am a smart woman. My head tells me I am heading in the right direction. The choices I make are the right ones. But my heart and emotions always seem to send me catapulting in the opposite direction. Did becoming a mother do this to me? No, I don't think so. I can't remember ever not feeling this way.

Overcoming this is what I am going to do. My life is going to become my own. Well, mine and Michael's. He is my shining lightkeeper. Him and that sassy daughter. Who, knows maybe I will still be that roller derby queen that I always dreamed I could be.

Some day life will be............

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Books, Reading, Escaping

Reading for me has always been an escape. I don't remember if I was an early reader, but I do remember going to the library and checking out books as early as 3rd grade. Through out elementary school I read all the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books. They were these wonderful mysteries that I would put myself into. There were many times I imagined myself being Nancy and solving all these crimes. I read every single book in both series that they carried at our local library. I would check out 2 -3 books every couple of weeks.

We didn't live close to the library. At the end of 4th grade we moved across town. Finally, I was able to ride my bike to this wonderful place. I would spend hours and bring home book after book. As I got older reading just stayed with me. Throughout junior high my interests changed and I can't remember when I stopped reading the "childish" books. I do remember in a few classes in junior, hiding whatever book I was reading inside my school book so I could read during class. Everday I couldn't wait to get to study hall to finish the book.

In high school and after graduation I found myself reading those cheesy "romance" books. The ones with the long haired, big boobed women with a pirate, indian, soldier, etc on the covers. The were mindless reads. They all had the same premise. I then imagined myself as being that damsel in distress and being rescued.

That phase lasted years, probably until I went back to college. Some where along the way I grew up and so did my reading tastes. I started reading true crime, mysteries, comedy, and even a little science fiction mystery. I have a library of my own now. It is stocked with hundreds of books. A lot of people will not reread a book. I love rereading. Many of the books in our library are from the used book stores. Ok, now I am babbling.

Reading has helped me become a better writer, speller, and punctuationist. I always thought I could be a proofreader for publishing company. Did you know you have to have a degree to be a proofreader?

This installment seems to be choppy. But being the self-proclaimed writer and reader, I can recognize this. Have a great night and read lots. Some time I will tell you about my favorite authors.